I’ve been a little lost lately. I entered the life of both-children-in-full-time-school and left a career in direct sales, and in the interim, I feel like I’ve lost tabs on my true north. I know, I have much to be grateful for: husband, home, family, children, God, food, everything that makes my life smoother than large percentages of the humans with which I share air. But at my core, in the very deepest center of ME, the wheels are off the track, my rudder is gone, and my sails lay slack. And it’s killing me.
I know that somewhere there are women for whom everything that I have is enough, plenty, all that they need to feel fulfilled. And sometimes, I wish that was me, too. But it’s not. For me, this state feels like living in a room with the doors, windows, and shades shut, and I’m dying for lack of light. And I know that I’m not the only woman out there that feels this way. I’ve read the blogs, seen the books, followed the discourse of the women who’ve stepped out to wrestle publicly with what it means to be a woman, mother, also, also, also… So I guess I’m in good company.
I talk with my husband about it, about this deep discontent, and he understands. (Hooray for a spouse that ‘gets’ you!) It’s always intriguing to get an outside perspective on internal struggles, and in this case, his response to me was, “That’s because you’re a seeker.”
(No, not that kind of seeker.)
But I get it, I hear what he’s trying to give a name and description to; this internal drive of mine to see significance in everything around me. My unwillingness to settle for trite answers. The need for things to have a deeper significance. There’s that Bible saying that “without vision, the people perish,” and I understand from the soles of my feet to the top of my head. So as I ask and push against this struggle, the question comes:
“What do you want to do?”
I. Don’t. Know.
And I HATE not knowing.
So here’s my plan. I’m going to find out. I’m going to dive deep into the fabric of what makes me as God made me, and I’m going to see what I find. I’ve been around the block long enough to have collected a whole pile of tools of self-discovery, and today I’m taking it all off the shelf to do some discovering.
You may ask, “So where’s the hair come in?” Well, I had my hair cut yesterday, and I announced what is probably the most annoying declaration in the world for a stylist. “I’m growing my hair out.” For me, this is a big change, as my hair has been above-my-ears short for the last decade. When I was in high school, I wore my hair down to my waist and I was known as “the girl with the long red hair.” One of the myriad of reasons I originally chose a shorter style was to break that categorization. Yes, my hair is red. Yes, it was very, very long. But that can change. At that juncture, it was cut in a fairly blunt style: long sections ending in a straight end.
Kind of like a box.
I don’t like boxes.
And while I’m looking for answers, I am certainly not looking for boxes to move myself into.
So I’ll tell you what I told my stylist:
“I’m growing my hair out. We’re going for something different. I don’t know how long, and I don’t know what the final style will be, but I want to look well-groomed and purposeful in the process, and eventually, I want to find a long style that is ME.”
In that same spirit, I will tell you:
I’m going on a journey to the center of my soul. I don’t know how long it’ll take, or what I’ll find along the way. I know that, as long as I continue asking questions and keep close to God, I’ll make it through this thing in one piece. I don’t know what the final destination will be, but I want to honor this process and be purposeful in the journey, and eventually, I know I will find ME.
Join me? It’s sure to be the ride of a lifetime.